Monday, February 29, 2016

No Cake For You!!

"She wants to have her cake and eat it, too."

That. That right there. I absolutely HATE that saying. Whenever I hear it, I just want to shake whoever is saying it. I want to shake her a lot. And I want to shake her really hard and for a really long time. I want to shake her until she needs to be hospitalized for Shaken Moron Syndrome.

That saying is quite possibly the most idiotic sentence in the entire known Universe.  You never hear anyone say, "Hey, that Melissa is great! She wants to have her cake and eat it, too. Melissa is sooooo cool!"

It always has a negative connotation, and that is precisely why it is so idiotic.

Are you ready for this? I'm going to let you in on something that is, apparently, a huge secret:

Eating the cake is the purpose of having the cake!! So, it's not a negative quality in someone. In fact, it's not even positive. It's just the freakin' reason people have cake. Cake is food. You're supposed to eat it!

I don't understand. I really don't. If it's wrong to eat the cake that you have, what in the hell are you supposed to do with it?

I know. The next time I go to the bakery, I'm going to get the best, most scrumptious - looking cake they have. Then, I'm going to take the flower arrangement off the dining room table and put the cake in its place. And we're all just going to look at it. We're going to look at it until it attracts ants. And I'm going to tell my kids that they better not eat any of the cake. If they do, I'm going to beat their asses with a belt because, apparently, it's really, really bad to eat the cake, and it might cause the kids to become juvenile delinquents. They will have zero chance of getting into a good college if they eat a cake that is clearly meant for show.

The next time I'm forced to go to some little kid's birthday party, I'm going to say that, yes, I do want a piece of the birthday cake. Then, I'm just going to look at it sitting on the stupid Transformers paper plate sitting on the matching Transformers paper tablecloth that some kid has already ruined by spilling his juice all over it. I will NOT eat that cake.

I happen to have fantastic hearing, so I have no doubt that I will overhear the birthday boy's mother say to another mother, "What the hell is wrong with Melissa? I swear to you, she said she wanted to have a piece of cake, and then this crazy bitch just sat there and looked at it. Seriously, she didn't have a single bite of it; she didn't even lick off the frosting that accidentally got on her finger. If she didn't want the cake, she should have just said so when I asked her. Maybe she didn't take her anti-depressant today or something, because, I'm telling you, what she did was some crazy shit."

And I'm sure my feelings will be hurt by what they say, but I'm just trying to be a good human being.

Why are people even allowed to have children if they don't know how wrong it is actually eat the cake you have??

My kids are definitely not allowed to play with their kids anymore. You can't be too careful when it comes to your children.