Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Payless Is Great

Can you actually hack up a lung?  I've heard that expression, but I never saw it happen, or met anyone to whom it has happened.  If it is possible to hack up a lung, BE WARNED: I THINK MINE IS COMING WITHIN THE NEXT 24 HOURS. I would advise you not to stand in front of me, especially in your good clothes.

Even if you choose not to heed my warning, I promise, I'll find you a great pair of shoes that match lung.

So, I'm still sick. The doctor said I have asthma, bronchitis (Danny didn't think I would really tell the doctor that I've been using eleven year-old Biaxin to treat it), and pan sinusitis.  I figured I had all those diseases and disorders; I mean any hypochondriac worth her weight in salt has all that diagnosed before she walks into the doctor's office. 

But listen to this shiznit:  HE THINKS I MAY HAVE A HEART CONDITION!!!!   That kind of information can send a hypochondriac to an early grave.  Okay, I have to write the obligatory letters to my children, husband, parents and sisters.  I have to clean my house (not happening, but it feels like I have to at least write it), choose my funeral, get a mani/pedi, and have my hair styled and colored.  I also have to find bone marrow donors.    

The most important thing I need to do is write a post to my Internet family letting them know how much I love them.

Sheesh.  Is someone with a heart condition supposed to work that hard?

The doctor interrupted my mental-list-making by explaining that he thinks I might have mitral valve prolapse, which is relatively benign in females, and that it is regurgitating my blood in the heart.  (Yes, I do have  blood, and sometimes it's even warm.)

So I did the only reasonable thing:  I called my sister and cried because I know she has mitral valve prolapse, for which she is medicated. 

As usual she was quite supportive about the matter.

She said, "Dumb ass, you already know you have mitral valve prolapse."

"Huh, what do you mean?"

"Yes, you ass!  You got tested after I did and I remember your results so clearly because when I heard them, I thought, 'Can't I have a single effin' thing this bitch doesn't have also.' "

Well, I have some shopping for lung-colored shoes to do.  Do you prefer Payless or Nordstrom?  (Please say Payless, please say Payless, please say Payless......)

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Please Help Me Get My Ear Back!

The elfin ear depicted in the photo to the right------------> (just in case you're a real idiot like I am and you have to sit there and think about which way is right and which way is left) is gone. 

It wasn't a Van Gogh-esque self-mutilation, and I wasn't attacked in a dark alley for the $.50 and the curiously strong Altoids I carry in my purse.

That ear has always been a family joke because it is a wee bit elfin-shaped.  Until this year, I would never wear a ponytail because of it.  Then I decided, "Screw it.  You've got one foot at the crematory and the other on that filthy dirty kitchen floor of yours, so wear a pony tail, for the love of the Son of God," so I did.  And even with my paranoia issues, I didn't feel like anyone was looking at me. (Yet another psychological breakthrough!)

Anyway, I was straightening my hair the other day, and I got to that part of my hair and I tried to be extra careful.  But Beelzebub and Lucifer (my sister and my husband) were in rare form and distracted me, and I burned the elfin part of my ear off.  OFF.  It hurt so much I would rather have a baby come out sideways!  Oh, the humanity!

And all I could think of was how mad my sister was going to be at me.  She LOVES to torment me about that ear.  Hopefully, there will be lots of scar tissue or it will heal worse than it was before and she can still make fun of it.

A girl can pray.

In fact, we all can pray. What are you doing Thursday at about 7 p.m. EST?  What if everyone gets down on their knees and prays for my ear?  That would be so kind of you!  Thank you, in advance.

And if you're a member of one of those chanting religions, you can do it too.  I'm not making fun of your religion; I just don't know the name of it. Oh, hell, I am making fun of your religion.  Let's face it: I'm making fun of my own religion, so yours doesn't get a pass.  But at 7 p.m. EST on Thursday, if you could just repeatedly chant, "Melissa's ear, Melissa's ear,"  I'm sure that would be ever so helpful, and I'm sure all of you, chanters and non-chanters alike, will amass a boatload of heaven points.  I, on the other hand, have most assuredly guaranteed my way into hell with this post.

Oh, well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to get her ugly ear back.

Saturday, July 2, 2011


My doctor but me on a new medication and I've got idiot, like Scarlett's father in "Gone with the Wind". It doesn't happen when I'm speaking ' only when I'm writin, so I'm writing, so I'm writing this entire post without changing anything.  I want you to see what this drug has done to me.

I soooo wiosh I could tell you everything that's been going on, but too many of the people involved read my blog and I don't have the balls to read handle the after math.  Of course, they're all paranoid, so they will correctly thing it's about them anyway.  Still, no balls.

My older baby graduated and my sister took her Europe.  They went to Denmark, London, Paris, Gaermany, Switzerland and Italy.  ( I wrote some cities and some states because I'm not smart enough to know which cities she talks about go with which countries.  I shoul've paid attention more in high school.  Turns out you really do need it.  Only for a stupid blog, but nonetheless, you really do need it.)

Just to horrify me, I'm sure, they put a video of my sister 9 (really daughter(but I'm not changing anything, remember?) blowing a horn at the Moulin Rouge (soooo coool) on Facebook and titled it "Delaney Blows Swiss Wood".  Yeah, I pretty much wanted to die.

I just found out I'm late for an appoint ment, so I fave to go.
Love you guys so much!!!!