Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A Widget, Resolutions, and a Widget

Okay, first things first. Please go to your right, ----------->, and click the "Follow" widget. You all know I have self-esteem issues, so won't you please make a sistah feel good and at least pretend that you like her?

Now that we've taken care of my self-esteem issues, I can move on to my New Year's resolutions and report on my progress:

1. Post resolutions before the second week in January.

Fail. Clearly.

2. Get in shape.

Fail. Well, I should give it time, but I know it will be a fail. I just put this one on here out of habit. It has been one of my resolutions for over 30 years, and it's always been a fail. I'm not being negative, people; I'm just going by statistics.

3. Wipe the kids' toothpaste off the bathroom counter before I get it on my work clothes.

Fail. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to work already this year and had to explain that the green crusty stuff at my waist is really just Crest.

4. Determine which of the clothes spread all over the laundry room floor are clean and which are dirty.

Pass. Kinda. I got down on the floor and smelled them. The ones that smelled like Bounce got thrown to the left on the floor, and the ones that smelled like...not thrown to the right.

5. Put my cell phone in its designated compartment in my purse.

Fail. Every time the phone rings I'm still dumping out everything in the purse, tampons included, on the desk, table, floor, grocery store conveyor belt, or whatever happens to be in front of me. Invariably, it stops ringing before I find it and I have to put all that crap back in my purse without knowing who called.

6. Answer my cell phone.

Well, I would if I could find it! (See #5 above). So, fail, but with good intentions.

7. Get more followers of my blog.

Undetermined. But it does lead us back to the "Follow" widget. If you haven't clicked it yet, please do it and help a girl's self-esteem. AND help her fulfill a New Year's resolution!

8. Prove that we are NOT the trash of the neighborhood by getting all the Christmas decorations down by Easter.

I'll have to get back to you on Easter on that one.

So, if we review, it appears that I'm basically a failure with the New Year's resolutions, and that really hurts the self-esteem. WHICH LEADS US BACK TO THE WIDGET!!!! Oh, I love how this is ending up!

And how are you doing with your resolutions? Am I the only one clearly failing?

Friday, January 7, 2011

What I Saw at WalMart

Last night I went to WalMart. I hate WalMart for the same reasons everyone else does, but the prices are so good I force myself to go there.

As you all know, it is impossible to go to WalMart and leave without having a story to tell about the experience. In fact, I've decided that every time I go there, I am going to blog about what I saw.

Last night was no different than any other trip to WalMart. The trash was out in full force. I saw the usual stained and ripped clothing, muffin tops, and plumber's cracks. But I got special treats too.

I watched a man smack his child, who was still small enough to be in the child seat of the cart, in the face. Hard. I mean, he jacked this kid up. And the really sad part is that the child didn't even cry, like he was used to being treated that way.

But the scary part for me was in the frozen foods aisle. A man standing several feet from me was on the phone with his insurance agent and was just m.f.'ing the agent up one side and down the other, and he was screaming it. Now don't get me wrong: I probably have been guilty of m.f.'ing an insurance agent a time or two, but I'm sure it was done in the privacy of my own home.

When the call was over, I thought I could pick out my frozen pizza and get away. WRONG. The man turned to me and started yelling at me about his insurance company. I stood there, frozen as the waffles in my cart, and listened to the tirade, while praying that my bladder didn't give way out of fear.

When there was a break in the rant, I did the only thing a sensible person would do: I agreed that towing should be part of a liability only insurance policy and that $80 per month is way too much to pay for a 19 year-old driver on the policy. Then I grabbed my cart and got the heck out of WalDodge (without my frozen pizza, I might add.)

I'm really not judging the trash at WalMart. I can't judge them, because I've BEEN the trash at WalMart.

One of the biggest fights my ex and I ever had, prior to his affair, was at WalMart.

I should've known better than to go with him that day. We were both cranky from long days at work and we had been bickering with each other.

Anyway, the very first thing Danny put in our cart was my pretzels. I said, "You're supposed to get those last so they don't get smooshed."

He snapped, "I'm only trying to do something nice for you and I get yelled at."

I really was trying to defuse the situation when I responded, "Look, I really think you're being hyper-sensitive over the whole thing. I'm just trying to tell you how NOT to get smooshed pretzels."

Then we went to the dairy aisle. As I was walking towards the cheese, he asked, "How many yogurts should I get?"

I answered, "I don't know. Ten, I guess."

Danny must have still been miffed over the pretzel incident because he asked again, VERY LOUDLY, "How many yogurts should I get?"

Not to be outdone, I YELLED AS LOUD AS I COULD all the way down the aisle, "I DON'T KNOW. TEN, I GUESS."

I swear, everyone who passed us after that looked at us and I could feel them thinking, "Trash!"

Am I alone in this? Have you ever been the trash of WalMart? C'mon, spill it. We can be each other's support group.