Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Trust Me

Just some things for you to think about:

1.  When you are stopped for a DUI, DWI, OVI, or whatever your state calls it, try not to literally sh*t yourself while doing the field sobriety tests.  When the officer looks down and sees the contents of your colon (nice alliteration) running out of your pants and onto your shoes, it's a pretty safe bet that you'll be arrested.  But that's not your only problem.  The officers then fight over who has to put your smelly, poop-covered body into whose cruiser.  That makes them hate you.  Then, when you go to court for your DUI, you get labeled "Poopy Pants" and no one wants to listen to the half-assed defense I have to come up with for someone who sh*t his pants.  And that makes me hate you.

2.  Do NOT urinate in the backseat of the cruiser.  Admittedly, urine is slightly better than poop, but TRUST ME, when you get to court, no one will know your name; you simply will be referred to as "The Assh*le Who Pissed Himself."  That does not make my job any easier and, again, that makes me hate you.

3.  Look, we all know Troopers look gay in their hats.  They know they look gay in their hats.  Gay-looking Trooper hats are just a part of life that we have to accept.  So, when you tell the Trooper that his hat looks gay, you strike a quite unpleasant chord in him because, as I said, HE ALREADY KNOWS HE LOOKS GAY.  You, my friend, are going to jail, drunk or not.

4.  A cruiser is NEVER the appropriate place to masturbate, especially if you are unattractive.  'Nuff said there.

5.  Do not tell the officer that you are going to beat his *ss.  Really.  You smell like a brewery, you can't stand up straight and you have bodily waste on your clothes.  You're no match for the guy with the taser and the Glock who is wearing clean clothes and is sober enough to stand on one foot.  And, of course, you will become someone that I hate.  And you will do alot more jail time than the significantly smarter drunk that didn't threaten the cop.  It's a simple concept, really.

With that, I hope I've helped to make your next DUI traffic stop go more smoothly.