Friday, September 30, 2011

More From Court

I think that some things go without saying, but apparently I am wrong.  So listen up, folks:

If a man chokes you to the point that you defecate and then he takes it and smears it all over your body, you don't have to stay with him because he has cable.  EVERYONE has cable.  Certainly, you can find someone that won't smear poop all over your body in exchange for the privilege of watching his HBO.  And, for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT tell the police that his cable is the reason you stay with him.  Comments like that just end up on blogs like this one.

Fyi--POLICE CARS ARE WIRED FOR SOUND.  If you are ever in the backseat of a cruiser, DO NOT say anything like, "I told you to put the drugs up your p*ssy!"  And NEVER say, "Tell them you got the drugs from a drug dealer--some other drug dealer, not me."  You pretty much have no defense at that point.

When you beat your girlfriend/wife and you appear for court, DO NOT yell at her, for EVERYONE in the court to hear, that she better change or story or you will f*ck her up.  Again, you have made sure that you have no defense.

And this may come as a shock to you, but your public defender is a REAL attorney.  You don't get out of your last two periods of high school to go to your job as a public defender.  You actually have to have an undergraduate degree AND go to law school, AND pass the bar exam to be a public defender.  When you tell your public defender that you want a REAL attorney, you accomplish two things:  you confirm that you are, in fact, a moron; and you make your public defender secretly wish that you get the death penalty for shoplifting.

Now that we have all that straight, carry on with your day, hopefully a little more informed.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

More Of What I Learned In Court

I like to keep you all informed, just in case you ever wind up in court or, worse yet, the slammer.  So this is what I learned this week while carrying out my duties as a public defender:

If a drunken brawl breaks out at your house on your birthday, try to refrain from throwing your birthday cake, candles and all, at the police car that responds to your neighbors' request to quiet down the trash that lives next door to them.  And then don't get mad when you're charged with disorderly conduct, idiot.

Do not EVER write in a police report that you only let your boyfriend/pimp have a certain type of sex with you on New Year's Eve and the Fourth of July.  That is WAY TMI, and, trust me, the police report will get passed around to everyone who walks into the courthouse.  Aside from that, it's just not very classy, even for a prostitute.

No matter how angry you are, do not smear your own feces on the wall of the holding cell.  You are the one that has to stay in it and admire your artwork.  Moron.

Try really hard not to scream "F*** you!" over and over again at the judge, prosecutor, bailiff, secretary, and anyone else in the courtroom.  You can be held in contempt of court for a long time.  Then again, if you're in court on bank robbery charges, contempt of court is probably the least of your worries.

Finally, on a personal note, tell your public defender that you bathed IN THE TOILET that morning BEFORE she shakes your hand!
Thank you so much for all my sweet birthday cards!  I felt so loved!