The elfin ear depicted in the photo to the right------------> (just in case you're a real idiot like I am and you have to sit there and think about which way is right and which way is left) is gone.
It wasn't a Van Gogh-esque self-mutilation, and I wasn't attacked in a dark alley for the $.50 and the curiously strong Altoids I carry in my purse.
That ear has always been a family joke because it is a wee bit elfin-shaped. Until this year, I would never wear a ponytail because of it. Then I decided, "Screw it. You've got one foot at the crematory and the other on that filthy dirty kitchen floor of yours, so wear a pony tail, for the love of the Son of God," so I did. And even with my paranoia issues, I didn't feel like anyone was looking at me. (Yet another psychological breakthrough!)
Anyway, I was straightening my hair the other day, and I got to that part of my hair and I tried to be extra careful. But Beelzebub and Lucifer (my sister and my husband) were in rare form and distracted me, and I burned the elfin part of my ear off. OFF. It hurt so much I would rather have a baby come out sideways! Oh, the humanity!
And all I could think of was how mad my sister was going to be at me. She LOVES to torment me about that ear. Hopefully, there will be lots of scar tissue or it will heal worse than it was before and she can still make fun of it.
A girl can pray.
In fact, we all can pray. What are you doing Thursday at about 7 p.m. EST? What if everyone gets down on their knees and prays for my ear? That would be so kind of you! Thank you, in advance.
And if you're a member of one of those chanting religions, you can do it too. I'm not making fun of your religion; I just don't know the name of it. Oh, hell, I am making fun of your religion. Let's face it: I'm making fun of my own religion, so yours doesn't get a pass. But at 7 p.m. EST on Thursday, if you could just repeatedly chant, "Melissa's ear, Melissa's ear," I'm sure that would be ever so helpful, and I'm sure all of you, chanters and non-chanters alike, will amass a boatload of heaven points. I, on the other hand, have most assuredly guaranteed my way into hell with this post.
Oh, well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to get her ugly ear back.