After going to court yesterday, it occurred to me that some of you might need some advice:
First of all, if you are working your way through college at a strip club (because that's the only reason anyone ever works at a strip club) don't be surprised if some drunken man or a drunken co-worker tries to beat the crap out of you. I'm not saying you deserve it; I'm just saying don't be surprised. Also, don't be surprised if your co-workers try to steal your cocaine. Some people just have no morals.
Don't be surprised if your husband or boyfriend is beating you bloody and you are yelling for someone to call the police, and someone does. So try not to get too hostile with the police that were called at your request, or with the person that honored your request and called them. Perhaps a more appropriate outlet for your anger would be the douche that was beating you.
When you write a statement at the time of your abusive husband/boyfriend's arrest, please don't change your story when you go to court. Everyone knows you're lying. It happens everyday, and it does nothing but make you, your husband/boyfriend, and your husband/boyfriend's public defender look like giant idiots.
If you are going to steal a dozen or so items, try not to leave your wallet in the gym bag with those items.
Try not to call your public defender a bitch. She really is the only person in the room on your side.
Try not to hug your public defender. She is being nice, but she really is afraid of the lice she thinks are jumping from your hair to hers. Give her some peace, please.
Do not ever, ever tell your arresting officer that his hat "looks gay", regardless of how silly it really does look. You just have to trust me on this one.
Don't ask me for bus fare. I got burned on that once, and it's not happening again!