Friday, June 10, 2011

I'll Be Sleeping With The Fishes

Okay, it's time to report back to you about my first week as a sahm.

I have nothing. Zero. Zip.

This was Emerson's last week of school, so I gave her cold cereal for breakfast while in my pajamas, and I didn't have to teach her the wonders of the universe over noon-time lunches, and most nights I fell asleep before she did.  One day I even stayed in my pajamas all day!

So I guess I failed.  Surprised?

Well, I did have one MAJOR Pass that my brain turned into a FAIL.

I managed to dodge the PTA all week!  They wanted me to chaperone a field trip at the zoo, but, darn, I had a doctor's appointment that day.

They wanted me to help out with Field Day, but I had company coming in from out of town.

They wanted me to help with lunch duty, but I had an appointment to take my car into the shop at that precise time!

Can you believe the coincidences?

I just plain wasn't doing any of that.  There was a torrential downpour at the zoo and, kinda smells like animals at the zoo.  Out!

I hated Field Day back when I was a participant, and I can't even imagine what it would be like to re-live that experience.  I would probably suffer PTSD and go kill my old gym teacher, Mr. Austin.

And the cafeteria thing--no way!  The cafeteria lady scares me.  All cafeteria ladies are mean, and this one does nothing but yell, even at the parent helpers.  No way, no how was that happening!  I had enough of the cafeteria lady when I was in school!  These kids are on their own with her!

I was feeling smug and quite proud of my accomplishments until I realized whom I was dealing with:  I WAS MESSING WITH THE P FRIGGIN' T FRIGGIN' A!!!!!!!

Now I'm scared.

Aren't the PTA moms trained by the Mafia, or don't they go to one of those guerrilla warfare camps or something?  I think they try to hide it, but I've heard rumors.  If you get one of them mad, you've had it.  You end up wearing the cement shoes.  The "dues" are actually payment to keep them from breaking your legs if you say no.

And I said no THREE TIMES in one week!

I know I'm waking up tomorrow morning with my cat's head  in my bed.


  1. I've stayed in my pjs before, my daughter has too. We made a 'fun' time out of it. Maybe make it Fridays for you? Toss in a movie in the morning and one in the afternoon? Really it's no big deal. Sorry I don't deal with PTA, but in my experience, a handful of people do all the work. If you're not one of them, then tell them you'd rather make a monetary donation and let that be that.

  2. Now that I'm retired, I have a friend who asked me to join her at Aqua Fitness classes at our clubhouse. Right. Certainly, I would benefit from the exercise...any exercise more strenuous than clicking on blogs and typing comments!

    But, unfortunately (giggle), this week I had previous appointments all three days of the class. After next week our grands will be here from AZ for three weeks of their summer break but WTH am I going to use for an excuse/reason next week?

    Please keep on sharing your great excuses...I'm going to need lots of them.

  3. PJ Days are the best! Why I'm having one today!! Lovely excuses, you know what? I think your first week was great ... you need to settle into a routine after all!

  4. PTA scares me too. They really are just 5 mean women who do everything and try to get others into their cult. Don't do it! Run! Hide! (Get caller ID and don't answer if it's them.) Peek out the upstairs window and don't go down if it's them. Go into Witness Protection if you have to but don't get sucked in.

  5. Don't worry, they don't really want help (They can paid off because they really want the money). It is a core group of 4 to 6 women who hoard that power like gold and will do anything to keep it from being diluted with new blood that may question and cause dissent.

    All Day PJ's is a WIN!

  6. I don't think outsiders are truly welcome in the PTA. I avoided them like the plague through my kids' school careers and contented myself with chaperoning an occasional field trip.

  7. I am very concerned for your welfare. My oldest child starts kindergarten this year, so I have no experience whatsoever with the PTA but this: someone told me my name came up in a meeting as a possible officer. I think this was them sending me the threatening vibe that I am on their list, and I'd better watch out. Did you pay the dues? That should at least offer you a certain amount of "protection."

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