Wednesday, May 4, 2011

You Mean There's Sex Involved?

"Jennifer's having a baby!"

That's what I told the entire fourth grade class about my best friend.  I wasn't being mean; I really believed she was with child.

The whole thing started with an "After School Special" called, "My Mom's Having a Baby".

Oh wow.  The entire school was waiting with baited breath for this one.  It was actually going to talk about the most taboo subject in our lives:  how a woman gets a baby inside of her.  Rumor had it that it was going to talk about sex, too!

Some unfortunate kids, Jennifer included, weren't allowed to watch the show.  Not us.  My mother, who dreaded this subject like an unwanted pregnancy, told my sister and me we had to watch it.  No problem, Mom!

So the eagerly awaited show finally aired.  Wow!  It did not disappoint!  The pregnant mom had her doctor tell her son and his friends how the baby got inside her.  My eyes and ears were glued to our console television set.

Which is what really makes it mystifying that I missed the whole sex part.

At school the next day, the kids who got to see the show were the cool kids for a day, and the ones who didn't get to see it were begging us for info.  Poor Jennifer asked me, and I told her all about kissing and getting pregnant. 

Tears welled up in Jennifer's eyes.  She told me that her father kissed her goodnight the evening before.  I told her, very calmly and quite matter-of-fact-ly,  "Oh, well, then, you got pregnant by your father."

Seriously.

She started bawling.  Everyone wanted to know what was wrong.  I protected her and told them to leave her alone because she's upset that her dad got her pregnant.  I was such a good friend to her.

Well, you can imagine the snowball effect.  In about 2.5 minutes Jennifer was in the guidance counselor's office.  In about 2.5 minutes after that, I was in there with her.  We both lived close to the school, so I would say that it only took about 4.5 minutes for both of our mothers to join us.

My mother acted mad in the guidance counselor's office, but she laughed once we got in the car together.

The next day, a Saturday, my mother handed me a four-volume set of books called, "The Life Cycle Library" and said, "Read these before you go back to school."

I obliged, eagerly.

I think I have it all figured out now.

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7 comments:

  1. Omg! That is really funny. I was an advanced reader, by second grade I was reading my mom's Working Mother magazine, that's where I learned, how to talk to your kids about sex. Totally saved her from having the talk. But she told me not to tell the other kids because their parents would get mad. She worked for the school and I didn't want her to get in trouble, so I kept clam.

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  2. My mother had a book that included human anatomy diagrams to explain the facts of life to me. I assumed all of this nonsense had to be carried out at a hospital under medical supervision. I think I was 9 or so and it seemed far too technical to ever be something that I would engage in.

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  3. Oh geez! Poor Jennifer.. I'd still call her to apologize even to this day. That would make for a good giggle session..

    I'm glad you figured it all out :)

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  4. Shut the front door! I am laughing hard. I am with your Mom. Yep. . . in the car laughing. Poor Jen

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  5. My grandmother got married because she thought she was pregnant. She and my grandfather had sex once and she'd been told that it inevitably leads to pregnancy.

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  6. OH MY GOSH. You MEANT well. That's the sweetest thing about that! Oh... funny!

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