I'm really surprised I'm not writing this from the slammer.
Thinking back on Delaney's childhood, I've realized that there's absolutely no reason I shouldn't be sitting in the Big House right now.
Not only has Delaney always been a drama queen, but she also has always done her best (I like to tell myself it was inadvertently) to make people think I was a horrible mother.
Take, for example, when we were flying to Las Vegas. Delaney was about six years old and, somehow, our tickets had her seated two rows behind me. Naturally, I thought she would want to be by her mommy during such a long trip, so I very politely asked a kind-looking gentleman if he would mind switching seats with me.
Delaney started screaming, "Noooooo! Don't do it! Don't make me sit next to her!"
The somewhat flabberghasted man looked at her and said, "When I was your age, I would've loved to sit next to my mom."
Delaney wasn't fazed. She looked him dead in the eye and said, "Yeah, that's great. But I don't want to sit next to her."
I was so embarrassed I wanted to pull a D. B. Cooper and jump right out of the back of the airplane!
Then there was the time Delaney got on the school bus instead of waiting for me to pick her up at school. When I got to the school and she wasn't there and no one could find her, I panicked. I ran through the school yelling her name and looking in all the rooms. Remember the scene in "Fatal Attraction" where the bunny-boiler stole the kid from school and the mother was frantically looking for her child? Yeah, that's exactly what it was like.
Finally, they found her on the school bus en route to our house.
I was so mad!!!!
I waited for her at the bus stop and the second she saw me, she started screaming, "Kill me! Please kill me! I deserve for you to kill me!" And she wouldn't stop! She just kept yelling it over and over and over again, despite the fact that I told her I really would kill her if she said it one more time.
Keep in mind, we were in our neighbors' front yards in a somewhat affluent area in the middle of the day. There's no doubt that we pretty much confirmed everyone's suspicions that we were the trash of the neighborhood.
Those were good, but the best one she ever did to me was at our local mall. The mall has a huge, amusement park carousel in it, and I promised Delaney that if she was good, she could ride the carousel. Well, she was an absolute monster that day and I told her well in advance of our leaving that she wasn't riding the carousel.
She must not have believed me.
She started screaming and crying and throwing the biggest fit you ever saw in your life when I tried to get her out of the mall without her carousel ride.
Then it happened:
Delaney screamed, at the top of her lungs, "Someone help me, please! I'm being kidnapped!!!"
The more I think about it, the more I think I should've just taken my chances with the hoosegow.
If you need a good laugh--and what kind of a freak are you if you don't--go to LOL.
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