Thursday, March 10, 2011

What They Don't Teach You in Law School

While teaching my adult Sunday School class, one of the students said to me, "We all know what the Lord thinks about lawyers." Rude? Yeah, I thought so.

I'm not sure what the comment means, but I do know that I will never regret my career choice, which is why I still practice one day a week. How could I not when I've learned so much over my fifteen years as an attorney?

One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that apparently nothing says "I love you" like a good ass-whoopin'. It must be true, because the alleged domestic violence victims keep going back to their alleged abusers time after time after time.

So, abusers, read carefully: Forget about the candy, flowers and jewelry; just whoop her ass. She'll love you forever. Trust me. It must be true; I've seen it enough times.

I've also learned over the years that it is apparently quite common for people to put on other people's pants (sweatshirt, shoes, coat, whatever) and, amazingly, those pants tend to contain in them crack that doesn't really belong to the wearer. I generally wear my own clothes, sans drugs, but I guess there's a whole population out there that doesn't roll the way I do.

Oh, and never, never, stop at a light with your car windows down because, very often, people will walk up to your car and throw crack/crystal meth/marijuana into the car. That has never, ever, NOT ONCE in twenty-six years of driving, happened to me, but I guess I'm in the minority.

Another thing that amazes me is that SO MANY people drive people around in their cars and don't know the names of their passengers. They also never know that the unknown person in the car has a gun or drugs that the passenger slides between the seats when the police approach. Thank goodness I never pick up strangers; I would be in so much trouble!

And don't ever smoke crack with your parents. That tends to get really, really ugly in a lot of ways. I hate it when that happens to me, so I usually avoid smoking crack with my parents. I don't smoke crack with my sisters either. You can't be too careful, ya know.

Also, did you know that it's common for a man to have sex with his ten year-old daughter and for him to think it was really his wife? Not being a man myself, I would have no idea about such things. I'm always amazed when I hear that defense.

And guns? Wow, they are more dangerous than you know. They actually go off during cleaning (or when they drop on the floor) and shoot people in the head in excess of six times. Who would have thought?

I guess I was just naive.


  1. This is hilarious and yet so sad at the same time.

  2. Lisa, not a bad day at work--just more of a retrospective.

    Pam, thank you for the compliment (I try). And it is very, very sad!

  3. My son is a partner in a big law firm. He does family law exclusively. I have a friend who is a criminal lawyer. I've learned a lot from her. I will never say one word to the police without my lawyer present. If a cop says 'good morning" to me, I give them a stony look and tell them I want my lawyer. I loved this post. And of course God loves lawyers!

  4. Another wonderful blog entry by my witty and beautiful sister! Keep writing. I love your posts!

  5. oh yeah, i get crack thrown in my car all the time. come on guys, i just want to enjoy a sunny day! :) these sound like a lot of the lessons i've learned being a therapist too. my clients are very informative.

  6. That is such a coincidence - I tend to wear my own clothes too! Great minds think alike.

    I'm visiting from the Red Dress Club Weekend Linkup

  7. Sometimes I wear my husbands clothes, but so far they have been crack free. Guess I am just lucky like that.