Saturday, March 5, 2011

Paging Dr. House

I suppose the next step is for me to spew bloody mucous from my mouth or any other orifice, for that matter.

My potentially terminal illness started out as a cough and some sinus drainage. That was enough to bother me because I watch A LOT of "House", so I know it's not that simple. My disease/disorder has to be something more sinister.

Then a couple nights ago I rolled over and it felt like the room was spinning; not that I was spinning, but that the room was spinning. (I haven't had even a single drink in years, so perish that thought!) I went back to sleep.

That morning when it was time to get up, I put my hand on the doorknob and the room was spinning again. I fell over and hit my head on the bedroom closet. I now have a giant goose-egg on my forehead, and I'm positive I have a concussion.

In the process of getting the kids ready, I couldn't walk a straight line down the hallway. Everything was spinning and I kept bouncing off the walls, literally.

Then Danny said something to me, I said it back to him, and he said I repeated it wrong. This is really just an aside because I'm convinced he said it wrong to begin with.

So what's wrong with me?

I know I need an MRI and a CT scan. House would definitely do that. And a lumbar puncture. House loves those. Oh, and he would send his team to break into my house to find environmental toxins. I better finish this post in a hurry and start cleaning.

He would probably find that I was supposed to be a twin and my twin attached itself to my brain and is causing my symptoms. In that case, I'll be fine.

Or, once he hears that my sister died of brain cancer, he'd decide I have a brain tumor. Maybe operable, maybe not. That's when Wilson would come in and say there's some other type of cancer, probably lymphoma.

Then I would remember to tell House that my father has Guillain-Barre Syndrome. He would yell at me for being stupid, do yet another lumbar puncture, and treat me for the neurological disorder I have.

Or I need a liver, kidney, or bone marrow transplant. I would have tons of donors because everybody likes me, remember?

Or it could be a scratch that I got on my body and it went septic. In that case, I'm a goner because House would miss the sepsis and treat me with something to prevent my body from fighting it off.

I do know one thing for sure: It's definitely not a sinus infection accompanied by an ear infection that is throwing off my equilibrium.

Way, way too boring.

8 comments:

  1. I didn't feel it was boring.I do however think
    you will have one hell of a hospital bill.
    House missed one very important test...He forgot to check Out your heart! this sounds to me like a case of being in love,accompanied by a common cold....this is what your symptoms say to me..That's your problem...No charge for the provided service..Exit is the last door on the right..have good day!

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  2. Honey, go to the doctor. You probably have "vertigo" but you could have a concussion. And a cold. But don't wait when the dizziness is happening. My husband had a concussion a few years ago, and it was very frightening because he was very disoriented. But don't put this off. I think you'll be fine, but still, get somebody to look at you and don't assume the worse. It's probably not that serious but don't ignore it.

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  3. It's all be worth just to have House as your doc.

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  4. It'd all be worth it just to have House as your doc.

    I should use "preview."

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  5. I'm pretty sure it's either amyloidosis or sarcoidosis. That is, until he calls Chase an idiot and it's really a sinus infection. Not interesting.

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  6. Well, if you do need an organ donated I'm here for you. With our luck we won't match or mine will be in worse shape than yours but hey, it's the thought, right?

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  7. Hi Melissa,
    Thanks for stopping by my blog today. I love when new people visit! Just wanted to let you know this post made me laugh. I can't watch House or Grey's or any of those other medical shows... because I always end up convincing myself I've got some bizarre-o disease!

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  8. You're so witty.. I can't help but follow..
    Like a moth to a flame :)

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