Saturday, March 12, 2011

Dumb and Dumber

Okay, you guys know I tell you everything, right? And you know I make a fool out of myself all the time and don't care, right?

So today I heard someone close to me say something really, really stupid, and that caused me to think of the dumbest thing I've ever said. There have been so very many, but I managed to narrow it down to three.

(Saying "I love you" to numerous complete idiots over forty-two years doesn't count--mainly because I can't remember them all, and I would never be able to decide which was the biggest idiot.)

The first was when I was in a political science class in college. The professor kept referring to a President Andrew Johnson. He said "President Andrew Johnson" over and over again during the class, and every time he did, I giggled. How stupid could he be? And the more I giggled, the more people in the class turned and looked at me with that "WTH?" look on their faces. Obviously, they knew what an idiot he was too!

Finally, the professor looked at me and said, "Melissa, what is so funny?"

As politely as I could, because I didn't want to embarrass the poor guy, I said--and I swear this is true--"I'm sorry, but I think you're a bit confused: it's Andrew Jackson and Lyndon Johnson, not Andrew Johnson."

As the room exploded with laughter, the professor rolled his eyes, took a deep breath, and simply asked, "What high school did you go to?"

Well, I went to a very respectable high school, thankyouverymuch, and I even skipped a year (which was probably when everyone else was learning about President Andrew Johnson).

Really? Andrew Johnson? Who knew?

At least that wasn't memorialized on tape as was one of the other stupid things I said.

I was eight months pregnant and it appeared that my baby hadn't grown from the last month, so I had to have an ultrasound. I took my VHS tape so I could record my precious baby, but I was a mess from all the worrying.

The technician started the ultrasound and a few seconds later, she announced, "Well, I see ten fingers and ten toes."

That was all I could take. I started sobbing and screamed, "Oh my gosh! How many is she supposed to have?"

As long as I live, I will never forget the mystified look on that poor woman's face.

And finally, I really do mean it when I tell everyone that I LOVE CHARLIE SHEEN!

Now it's your turn. C'mon and spill the dumbest thing you've ever said. Won't you please help a sistah feel not so alone?

8 comments:

  1. I too have said many dumb things over the years.
    I was a real pot head for a long time. I said, I will go to my grave with a joint in my mouth!
    Now I have a foot were the joint used to be.
    Then, lets not forget the big one...I am a lesbian! Always have been always will be.I will never share my bed with anyone but a woman. I now sleep with my dogs,and they don't talk back! This next one was a real no brainer..Went to a Saint Patricks day party, after a few hours of drinking and having fun I asked, Why isn't Saint Patrick here yet? Till this day many people have never let me live that one down. Could go on forever spilling dumb things I've said over my 61 years of living......Be Blessed.. Never say Never!!

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  2. Don't feel bad. I've don't remember an Andrew Johnson either.

    The ultrasound thing is HILARIOUS!

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  3. OH, have I come to the right place.

    I say dumb things on an hourly basis.

    The best:

    "I can't wait for the weather to get warmer, so that it's nice out."

    Yeah, I said that.

    The family? They love me.

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  4. My husband is a very intelligent man. He is a little peculiar sometimes though. When he was stationed for a year in Saudi Arabia at the start of the Iraq War, he took some "cultural field trips" there. When he came home, he told me that he saw nomads with camels in their SUV's with the camel's head sticking out the sun roofs. I have repeated this nonsense to a number of people who were too polite to call me an idiot. I should divorce him but he's cute and good in bed.

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  5. Pam,

    Thank goodness you don't remember him either!!!

    Empress,

    I felt the same connection on your blog. Glad you are here!!!

    Linda,

    Could you be any freakin' funnier? I busted out laughing at that last line! You're a gem!!

    Melissa

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  6. You are hilarious!

    I was over at Kimbirdy's blog Fill You Well and I read some comments on her Tea post. Yours caught my eye because I'm a coffee and Diet Coke/Diet Pepsi girl myself. (Yep, I cheat on both) So here I am and I read this and I laugh.. Thank you! I thoroughly enjoyed it!!!

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  7. Oh and my most recent embarrassing moment was when I went to a Sarah Mclachlan concert this past February. She sang my favorite song and there's this part at the very end that I just love. So I clapped right after it. It echoed in the entire hall.. but the song wasn't done! I was mortified! I had to sink in my chair a bit after that.

    Does this count?

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  8. I'm sure I've done some stupid things but my mind is a blank! I'll have to do some thinking and come back =-)

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