Friday, January 7, 2011

What I Saw at WalMart

Last night I went to WalMart. I hate WalMart for the same reasons everyone else does, but the prices are so good I force myself to go there.

As you all know, it is impossible to go to WalMart and leave without having a story to tell about the experience. In fact, I've decided that every time I go there, I am going to blog about what I saw.

Last night was no different than any other trip to WalMart. The trash was out in full force. I saw the usual stained and ripped clothing, muffin tops, and plumber's cracks. But I got special treats too.

I watched a man smack his child, who was still small enough to be in the child seat of the cart, in the face. Hard. I mean, he jacked this kid up. And the really sad part is that the child didn't even cry, like he was used to being treated that way.

But the scary part for me was in the frozen foods aisle. A man standing several feet from me was on the phone with his insurance agent and was just m.f.'ing the agent up one side and down the other, and he was screaming it. Now don't get me wrong: I probably have been guilty of m.f.'ing an insurance agent a time or two, but I'm sure it was done in the privacy of my own home.

When the call was over, I thought I could pick out my frozen pizza and get away. WRONG. The man turned to me and started yelling at me about his insurance company. I stood there, frozen as the waffles in my cart, and listened to the tirade, while praying that my bladder didn't give way out of fear.

When there was a break in the rant, I did the only thing a sensible person would do: I agreed that towing should be part of a liability only insurance policy and that $80 per month is way too much to pay for a 19 year-old driver on the policy. Then I grabbed my cart and got the heck out of WalDodge (without my frozen pizza, I might add.)

I'm really not judging the trash at WalMart. I can't judge them, because I've BEEN the trash at WalMart.

One of the biggest fights my ex and I ever had, prior to his affair, was at WalMart.

I should've known better than to go with him that day. We were both cranky from long days at work and we had been bickering with each other.

Anyway, the very first thing Danny put in our cart was my pretzels. I said, "You're supposed to get those last so they don't get smooshed."

He snapped, "I'm only trying to do something nice for you and I get yelled at."

I really was trying to defuse the situation when I responded, "Look, I really think you're being hyper-sensitive over the whole thing. I'm just trying to tell you how NOT to get smooshed pretzels."

Then we went to the dairy aisle. As I was walking towards the cheese, he asked, "How many yogurts should I get?"

I answered, "I don't know. Ten, I guess."

Danny must have still been miffed over the pretzel incident because he asked again, VERY LOUDLY, "How many yogurts should I get?"

Not to be outdone, I YELLED AS LOUD AS I COULD all the way down the aisle, "I DON'T KNOW. TEN, I GUESS."

I swear, everyone who passed us after that looked at us and I could feel them thinking, "Trash!"

Am I alone in this? Have you ever been the trash of WalMart? C'mon, spill it. We can be each other's support group.


  1. I hate to admit this - but if it makes you feel any better - I have also been guilty of causing a MASSIVE scene in a Walmart!

  2. I am freaking jealous. I have never been to Walmart in my life. I don't even know where one is. I have caused a scene in Payless Shoes though. The clerk really pissed me off and I knocked the shoe boxes off the counter, called her a name and walked out. I mean, who goes to Payless Shoes in the first place? I also dumped a drink in my ex-husband's lap at a nice restaurant once. He was lucky. I should have gone with my first instinct and shot him. Live and learn, huh?

  3. LOL! We don't have Walmart stores in SA, but sure have seen scenes like this in Pick 'n Pay! Thanks once again for showing us real life in an amusing way! I love your posts!

  4. So that was you who was yelling that!

    Just kidding...

    I've been at WM and seen some pretty interesting stuff. Among my favorites is the woman who came into the men's restroom and didn't realize it was. When he emerged from the stall, she noticed that I was at the sink. She gave me a crusty look and realized that she was in the wrong place.

    It was awesome.

  5. I can't get over the guy slapping his child! For the love, if you are going to do it right, do it so they cry or what's the point!? Okay, I kid.

    anyway...that guy owes you a frozen pizza... and I dress like the trash just to fit in... or maybe I'm can only be my true self at Walmart? Still trying to figure that out.

  6. I worked at Wal-Mart in college, and I still go into floor clerk mode when I'm in there. The shop lifters are the funniest. There's usually a manager or something wearing a coat over his name tag and pretending to shop close by while he watches. They can't say anything until the shoplifter is outside the store. Thanks for the memories!

  7. WM is less than a mile from my house. I rarely shop there because the parking lot is long and thin, and you can never get a spot close to the door. I LOVE that it's a super center the lot is full and there's 12 checkers open. It takes longer to get out of there than it does to shop.

  8. You and your ex just might be featured on a blog somewhere and you never knew it!

    I've never been the trash, but honestly, you're making it sound like fun! ;)

  9. I loathe WM as well, but I go there. Love cheap stuff.
    Ya, I "might" fit in there every so often.

    Love your blog. I've laughed and been mad all at once. I had to read the fairytale and accompanying comments.
    I was entertained, I won't lie.

    Thanks for your comment on my blog.

  10. I saw a mentally ill woman completely freaking out in Walmart parking lot. I felt bad for her companion. The woman was definitely not right. Ack.

  11. I have blogged all of our adventures at wally world. We have farted all over the place nearly killing off everyone and Hubs once knocked over a whole cookie display. I walked right by him like I didn't even know him. Good times.

  12. I'm always hoping to catch a shot to submit to:

    So far, very unlucky!