Saturday, March 7, 2009

Something So Stupid I Should Never, Ever Tell Anyone

I am an idiot savant. At least that's what my friends at law school always said.

It's true. I'm a very intelligent person--really, I am--but then I do some of the dumbest things ever known to mankind.

And the worst part of it (or the best part, depending on your perspective) is that I always tell on myself. I tell all the moronic things I do and laugh right along with everyone else who is laughing at my stupidity. I'm not really sure why I tell on myself. Some people say it's because I am a really secure person with a great sense of humor. Others say it's because I don't have enough damn sense to keep my mouth shut.

Whatever the reason I tell everyone about my idiocy, I'm about to do it again right now.

Okay, last week I received an email from another attorney, Elyse, with an attached document that was about 26 pages long. The note she sent along with it said, "Sorry, I scanned this upside down."

Sorry, I scanned this upside down. She wrote it like it was some little insignificant tidbit.

I scanned this upside down. Was she kidding me?! Upside down?

How was I supposed to read it? I was so frustrated, I considered not even reading the thing, but it was a pretty important document, and it involved me, personally.

Well, sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do, right?

So I turned my computer monitor upside down and started reading.

That's right, I turned the monitor upside down.

In all honesty, it worked just fine--until I got to the bottom of the first page and realized that I had to put the monitor down and scroll on the keyboard to get to the next page.

Then I had to hoist up that monitor and turn it upside down again.

Over and over again.

Page 3: This d@mn thing doesn't look like it, but it's actually pretty heavy!

Page 7: I'm so sick of putting this thing down and lifting it up again just to get to the next page! And my arms are really starting to hurt!

Page11: Jeez, Elyse, would it have killed you to take 30 seconds and scan this the right way?

Page 13: I can't believe how effin inconsiderate Elyse is! I am really gonna rip her a new one about this!

Page 16: That stupid d@mn Elyse! She doesn't care about anyone but herself!

Page 18: I hate you, you f***ing b*tch!

Page 21: Screw you, you f***ing wh*re, Elyse! I give up on your dumb @ss and your stupid document! I hope you burn in h*ll!!!!

(Just so we're all clear here, when I was thinking all this, I was thinking the REAL nasty words, and NOT the sugar-coated words with symbols that make me think I'm not really swearing.)

I was still flaming mad an hour later when I told a friend about what Elyse's arrogance and inconsideration caused me to do: Elyse...upside down...hoist up...scroll down...re-hoist...gave up...b*tch!

My friend stood there with her mouth hanging open as I told my story. Finally (I think when she accepted that I wasn't making up any of it), she regained the power of speech and said,

"A$$hole, why didn't you just use the rotate button?"

What??? There's a rotate button?

She had to be lying! Why didn't I know about this "rotate button" contraption? If such a device did exist, why would it be such a closely-guarded secret?

So I opened the document, left my monitor rightside up, and saw two semi-circular arrows at the top of the screen.

I clicked on them, and guess what happened?

(Sit down for this...)

My document turned rightside up!!

A rotate button!

Who knew?