Saturday, March 7, 2009

Something So Stupid I Should Never, Ever Tell Anyone

I am an idiot savant. At least that's what my friends at law school always said.

It's true. I'm a very intelligent person--really, I am--but then I do some of the dumbest things ever known to mankind.

And the worst part of it (or the best part, depending on your perspective) is that I always tell on myself. I tell all the moronic things I do and laugh right along with everyone else who is laughing at my stupidity. I'm not really sure why I tell on myself. Some people say it's because I am a really secure person with a great sense of humor. Others say it's because I don't have enough damn sense to keep my mouth shut.

Whatever the reason I tell everyone about my idiocy, I'm about to do it again right now.

Okay, last week I received an email from another attorney, Elyse, with an attached document that was about 26 pages long. The note she sent along with it said, "Sorry, I scanned this upside down."

Sorry, I scanned this upside down. She wrote it like it was some little insignificant tidbit.

I scanned this upside down. Was she kidding me?! Upside down?

How was I supposed to read it? I was so frustrated, I considered not even reading the thing, but it was a pretty important document, and it involved me, personally.

Well, sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do, right?

So I turned my computer monitor upside down and started reading.

That's right, I turned the monitor upside down.

In all honesty, it worked just fine--until I got to the bottom of the first page and realized that I had to put the monitor down and scroll on the keyboard to get to the next page.

Then I had to hoist up that monitor and turn it upside down again.

Over and over again.

Page 3: This d@mn thing doesn't look like it, but it's actually pretty heavy!

Page 7: I'm so sick of putting this thing down and lifting it up again just to get to the next page! And my arms are really starting to hurt!

Page11: Jeez, Elyse, would it have killed you to take 30 seconds and scan this the right way?

Page 13: I can't believe how effin inconsiderate Elyse is! I am really gonna rip her a new one about this!

Page 16: That stupid d@mn Elyse! She doesn't care about anyone but herself!

Page 18: I hate you, you f***ing b*tch!

Page 21: Screw you, you f***ing wh*re, Elyse! I give up on your dumb @ss and your stupid document! I hope you burn in h*ll!!!!

(Just so we're all clear here, when I was thinking all this, I was thinking the REAL nasty words, and NOT the sugar-coated words with symbols that make me think I'm not really swearing.)

I was still flaming mad an hour later when I told a friend about what Elyse's arrogance and inconsideration caused me to do: Elyse...upside down...hoist up...scroll down...re-hoist...gave up...b*tch!

My friend stood there with her mouth hanging open as I told my story. Finally (I think when she accepted that I wasn't making up any of it), she regained the power of speech and said,

"A$$hole, why didn't you just use the rotate button?"

What??? There's a rotate button?

She had to be lying! Why didn't I know about this "rotate button" contraption? If such a device did exist, why would it be such a closely-guarded secret?

So I opened the document, left my monitor rightside up, and saw two semi-circular arrows at the top of the screen.

I clicked on them, and guess what happened?

(Sit down for this...)

My document turned rightside up!!

A rotate button!

Who knew?

18 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh. That is hilarious!! And even funnier that you can admit it.

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  2. Thank you for sharing this. You have NO IDEA how much I needed a laugh this morning...

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  3. you know you can also print the document and read it on paper...

    LOL thanks for sharing that!!!:)

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  4. TL,

    Printing???

    I guess I did know about the whole printing concept, but that option never occurred to me!

    Melissa

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  5. That's SO funny! Thanks for sharing! It's in moments like those that I wish the Esc(ape) button had much greater powers.

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  6. LOL>..are you serious? OH MY GOSH...you are SOOOO luck me! We would totally be BFF's in real life! lol!

    I loved that...thanks!

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  7. Hahahaha! I LOVE it! My team wanted to know why I was giggling so much! The first thing that came to my mind was the printing object - rotate? Never!! LOL!

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  8. Oh my. I would laugh AT you, but I'll stick with laughing WITH you because this is totally something I would do. Too funny!

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  9. Hahahahahaha!! You could also have turned it around with a left-handed monkey wrench! You got one of those? Not just ANY monkey wrench. IT MUST BE LEFTY!1!

    Hah! Blogger thinks your "d@mn" is an e-mail address! It does that with any word you imbed an at-sign in (but NOT if you start a word with an at-sign, the way you did with @ss, which blogger did not make into a mail hotlink).

    You can fix that in the html interface, sister.

    WITH A LEFT-HANDED MONKEY WRENCH!!1!

    Hahahahahaha!!!1!!

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  10. I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything, it hurts when it comes out through the nose.

    Thanks for the laugh.

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  11. Ok, that's awesome. Thank you, I needed that tonight. :) Have you ever tried hitting Control+Alt+ the down arrow on your computer? On some computers, the whole screen will turn upside down. It's way cool. Then to turn it back, you hit Control+Alt+ the up arrow. Try it. It's at least five minutes worth of entertainment. :)

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  12. I discovered your blog today from a post you left on the Mayo Clinic website in January about caregiving. One minute I was bawling my eyes out, the next I was hysterical. Thanks you for rescuing me from such morose quicksand.

    I haven't touched my blog in three years, but was thinking I should get back to it and shake out some of the sadness and humor I feel on a daily basis. My mom is 60 and diagnosed with early onset AD. I'm 35 and mis-diagnosed as sane. We're both single. I'm looking for a husband, preferably for her, if you know anyone.

    Thanks for brightening my day, and for inspiring me to write more and laugh more.

    Cheers,
    Rebecca

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  13. Yeah. I've had calls from people like you, with similar issues. I've had people get angry with me, when I explain how to fix their 'problem', because they can't believe such a 'horrible complex problem that is ending their world' could be solved so simply. As simply as a rotate button. rock on.

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  14. Ahh, that was funny. Thanks so much for sharing. :D

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  15. I don’t know If I said it already but …I’m so glad I found this site…Keep up the good work I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say great blog. Thanks!

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  16. HILARIOUS!

    Visiting from the Red Dress Linkup. Great post!

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  17. Heh. We could be twin sisters. :)

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