Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Just Say No

So many of you have been so kind with your messages of concern because I haven't been around lately.

I almost wish I could tell you that there was a family emergency or that I was in a horrible accident. I wish I could tell you almost anything other than the truth, which is that

I am a rotten, stinking, depraved addict!!

I always thought this only happened to other people. This couldn't happen in my family, and certainly not to me. I have ten years of post-high school education, for crap's sake! What they say, though, is true: No one is immune.

And I'm not talking about a little booze or prescription pain meds here. That stuff is for amateurs. I'm talking about the hardcore, Queen Mother of all drugs.

That's right, people, I'm battling FACEBOOK and I'm neglecting everything in my life because of it. All I can think about is when, and how, I'm going to get my next fix.

I wake up in the middle of the night and toss and turn until I get out of bed, sit on the floor in the corner of the dining room, log on, and "throw" intangible Mardi Gras beads at the girl who sat next to me in third-grade homeroom.

My husband knows I've experimented, but he doesn't know about my problem. I'm careful not to show any signs when he's near. I always make sure I listen for his car in the driveway so I will be cognizant of the exact moment that I need to "X" out of the "Seinfeld" or "Brady Bunch" quiz I am taking, unplug the laptop, and run into the laundry room and pretend to sort the darks from the lights from the reds.

I have to worry about my four year-old daughter, though. She's a little narc. The first time I put her in time-out she'll sing like a canary about what happens when she's hungry and I'm looking at pictures of the husband and baby of a girl I haven't laid eyes on in twenty-five years. I think I need to decapitate her Dora just so she understands that no one better ever find out I make her pull out the kitchen drawers and climb them like steps so she can reach the bowls and the Fruity Pebbles.

You need to know all of this so you can protect yourselves from me. DO NOT TRUST ME. If I am driving by your house and I NEED to take yet another I.Q. test, just know that I will not hesitate to break your window and climb through it to get to your Internet connection.

And heaven help you when I lose my job and my cable gets disconnected because I can't leave my wall long enough to show up in court. Do not doubt that I will steal your grandmother's wedding ring and take it to the nearest pawn shop to get my DSL back. I'll do whatever I have to do to have access to my friends' status updates and the additions to their photo albums.

I know. I need help.

Do you think MySpace works the same as methadone?

23 comments:

  1. LOL! You made me laugh again this morning! My colleague and I were just talking about Facebook earlier on! I don't even know how it works .... I want to be addicted too! I'm gonna give it a go! Haa!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Did you check out that Jane Austen Facebook link on my blog? It's great! I liked when Mrs. Bennett joined new group - Widows of Men Killed in Duels.

    ReplyDelete
  3. D@MN!!1! I had "sex addict" in the pool the blogging community had going to explain your long absence!

    Facebook!1! I was SO CLOSE!1! Because facebook is just like sex but without the possibilty of getting pregnant with a future narc. Plus, facebook never judges you if your ... ahem ... performance is not quite up to snuff.

    Welcome back, in any case. Funny post, as usual. As Shaun Cassidy might say, "Mystery solved, Frank."

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hello my name is Jenn and I am addicted to Facebook!

    Yup, I do it too! First thing in the morning, late at night, and every minute in between that I can squeeze in.

    By the way, just one more thing to look at, have you tried Twirl on FB? One more great thing about Facebook!

    Plus where else in the world can you be friends with your friends friends and their friends you met at a bbq once ten years ago, com'on really now, you know you want to know what they're doing at all times of the day!

    And to answer your question, no, MySpace would be like going cold turkey from Facebook, just not the same! So sad, they keep trying to get caught up but it's just not the same!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Welcome back.

    I've never touched Facebook since my friend found my ex-husband on there and I have no desire for him to be able to find me!

    And if there's a way to prevent that, don't tell me cause I have enough going on in my life without an addiction....

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh my gosh that's too freakin' funny! I know sooooo many FB addicts. I had a problem right at first. But I've been able to get it under control. (Hey, I can quit any time I want!!!!!!!)
    I love the part about making your daughter pull out the drawers...that cracks me up!
    Glad to have you back!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well...a FEW good things have come of your addiction...

    ReplyDelete
  8. THAT was hilarious! I've heard that facebook is harder to quit than crack. Wait...that's smoking. Admitting you have a problem is the first step toward change. :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Missy, Missy, Missy! We definitely are two peas in a pod!

    ReplyDelete
  10. You know, I keep hearing this about facebook . . . about it's truly addicting nature.

    I am too chicken to try it.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thank you for the comment. I guess I am a riot then because I always talk that that to blogger (and others who annoy me) I am anxious to visit your blog, it looks fun. I will after dinner. See ya then....

    ReplyDelete
  12. and um, I too am a Facebooker but am also addicted to blogs so we don't see a lot of housework getting done these days

    ReplyDelete
  13. Back away from MySpace. I have teenagers, and I can tell you that it is the devil. You don't want any part of it.

    I think the word Facebook is destined to become a verb, like Google and text. "He Facebooked you? Yeah, he totally Googled me and Facebooked me." Someone else found me, just today. What with the snowball throwing and the quiz-taking. Downward spiral, indeed.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I admit that I am a Facebook addict as well. But the way I see it....if people are going to gossip about me, then I want to know what they are saying!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Ha HA. Love it..and I so get it. Take comfort in the fact that if you are anything like me..this too shall pass. I was crazy with the Facebook at first..now, not so much :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. I hear that! Only it was my husband who got me into FB. I went from having 3 friends to 80 in a matter of hours. (some of them I don't even remember, but I don't have the heart to say so)

    I searched my name and found 8 people with my name, so I friended them. Now we have a little fan club....lol

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh, I so hear you. The timesuck! And yet I can't stop...

    See you there.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Haha!! I WAS addicted to facebook, but I've now moved my addiction to blogger. Facebook just isn't hitting the spot like it used to!

    x

    ReplyDelete
  19. DUDE!!!! Put down the freaking facebook and get blogging again!

    ReplyDelete
  20. www.mytitleofliberty.blogspot.com
    LDS
    www.freedoms-fight.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  21. Mellisa you are absolutely too funny! It is nice to see people make light of their life issues in a humorous way. If we cannot laugh at ourselves who can we laugh at?
    Cheers From The Big Ape
    http://madmonkeymediaservices.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  22. This was too funny! I didn't think I had a problem until reading your post. I'm still in the denial phase! I came over from the RDC

    ReplyDelete
  23. Ha! How funny! Fortunately, I'm not addicted to FB, but I see how it can creep up on you. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete