Thursday, February 12, 2009

"I Feel Hot And My Throat Hurts--A Lot!"

Why do you think my little girl is crying?

Is it because I won't let her have a Facebook and I don't care if she's the only person in the entire school without one?

Is it because I won't let her stay out past 11:00 on the weekend and I'm ruining her life?

If those were your answers, you are wrong; neither of the above is why my little girl is crying.

(However, both are why my teenager is crying.)

My little girl is crying because her school is closed today!!!

Because it's closed? What the...huh?

That's right, the poor little thing doesn't know yet how it works. My little baby has not yet realized that a day off school is one of the most coveted occurrences in all of adolescence, and that she undoubtedly will engage in boundless groveling and unprecedented deceit to experience such happiness.

She has no idea that someday very soon she will be standing in front of the television at 6 a.m. chanting, "Please, God, let it be here! I will do everything you want for the whole, entire rest of my life if you just let my school go across the bottom of the screen!"

My little angel doesn't know that at least one morning a week for six solid years she will curl up in a ball on her bed and claim she has debilitating cramps.

She cannot comprehend that at 6 a.m. one day in the not-so-distant future she will lock the bathroom door (for the security of the impending operation) and fake puke, complete with guttural sound effects. Then she will flush the toilet so that the alleged vomiting can be neither proved nor disproved, and she will marvel at the brilliance of such a plan!

And on those rare, precious days when her prayers are answered, or I decide that I'd rather pretend I believe her than risk accusations of child neglect for sending a sick kid to school, she will weep again. But on those days, she will weep with tears of joy.


  1. Ahh the joys of mothering teenage girls. Really makes me want all boys. And more fully appreciate my own mom for all that I'm sure I put her through!

  2. Kids! So stupid and predictable!

    Until they reach the age of, like, 7 - then they get all smarter than you! Because my son is 9 and he runs rings around me and so I just let him smoke my SEE-gars and drink my good scotch and drive my car because, geez, that's better than arguing with him and getting my @$$ handed to me in a debate!

    By the way, THIS was the link you used (it's still there in Google reader):


    Note the extra "http://". Lop that puppy off and the link should farking work!

    Free the Glass-Eyed Grady's Fark One!!

    (These chants sound way better when there's more than one unjustly imprisoned victim involved - viz., "Free the Glass-Eyed Grady's Fark Eight!!" But you used only one fark, so I gotta go with "One".)

  3. Be glad she likes school now because the day will come when they call you from school claiming they have the plague right before a big math test.

  4. Lucky! Why is her school closed?!? The screaming at the screen at 6am doesn't just end at adolescence. I do that everytime there MIGHT be a hurricane headed our way. (I know I know, horrible.)

  5. Hmmm, I wonder how mama knows what this little one is going to do to get out of school. Hmmm? Could it be? No, nobody would really fake puke. Nobody would really fake crampies. Would they? Oh, no. Forget I even mentioned it.

  6. Oh boy!! Did your first few lines sound familiar to me!!

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