Dear Speech Team Officials,
I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my behavior during my daughter's Speech Team competition last weekend.
When you asked me to participate as one of the judges in that competition, I am sure you did not expect a 40 year-old, professional woman to behave the way I did.
I truly appreciate that you donate your time and effort to coach students, and I know I should not have commented, apparently to parents with no sense of humor, that some of you must have been shoved in lockers every single day when you were in high school. I just meant that I hope all of you had more sense than to use those strange "speechy" voices and gestures around your cruel, teen-aged peers.
I also know it was inappropriate for me to giggle loudly when you announced that one of the teams was from Licking County. In my defense, though, a county named Licking is just plain funny. I think I deserve a break on that one because, after all, I'm not the one who named Licking County. And why did they stop at Licking County? Why not a Sucking County also? I realize I'm straying a bit from my intended apology, but I think you see my point here.
Additionally, please forgive me for pretending that I didn't hear you call my name when I left between rounds to get my nails done. The salon was only a couple blocks away and, quite frankly, I thought it was a joke when you announced that the judges weren't allowed to leave the building in case of a "speech emergency." I realize now that everything at a speech competition is serious, and I'm just thankful that during my absence no one suddenly went mute and needed the benefit of my experience as a divorce attorney to restore his voice.
Further, I want to express my gratitude that when you chastised me upon my arrival from the nail salon, you did not give me the detention I suggested you give me. My Saturdays are very full and it would be most inconvenient for me to serve a detention.
I would be most appreciative if you did not penalize my daughter who works so hard at this activity. It really was not her fault. She has known me for 15 years, and that is precisely why she asked you not to have me judge the competition. She did warn you, and you refused to listen to her. I don't think she should be punished for our mistakes.
In closing, I ask you to please accept my sincerest apologies for my conduct, and to please ignore the fact that as I apologize, I have my fingers crossed behind my back.
Very truly yours,
You Know Who