Sunday, January 25, 2009

Of Sailors and Roosters

I think it already has been firmly established that I am quite immature, and now that I'm not constrained by Sue's cleanliness, I can talk about something that really amuses me.

So here goes: I will fall in the floor laughing until tears are rolling down my face at any name that can have a sexual implication or is "dirty" sounding in any way. There, I've said it, and I AM NOT ASHAMED (although I'm well aware that I should be.)

And this is something that everyone knows about me. Racitay (she values her anonymity so I have disguised her name), a good friend of mine with whom I work, occasionally warns me of the names of some of our clients in hopes that I will refrain from hysterical public laughter. "Okay, Melissa, we have a Johnson and a Ball today. Can you handle it?"

", shouldn't there be two Balls with the Johnson?" And then I giggle and giggle and giggle, just like I'm a teenager.

Actually, I'm probably more immature than a teenager because my fifteen year-old daughter gets absolutely disgusted by this behavior of mine. She can't stand it that I have to practice before I call the pediatrician's office and say the doctor's name. I am not kidding you here; there is no way I could ever call and say,"I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. Cox," without fits of laughter if I didn't practice it first. Whenever my daughter witnesses this event, she gets that I-so-can't-believe-this-is-my-mother-look on her face and says, "God, Mom, how old ARE you?" as she stomps away from me.

I once had a friend whose last name was Seaman and he suffered relentless torture every day of his life (not from me...I have enough couth to make fun of someone's name behind his back) because of that name. Why, I ask you, would anyone give that name to a child? If that is your last name and you somehow manage to carry on through life with that name, then for the love of all that is holy, have the decency not to procreate!! Or at least give the child some other last name. Really, isn't that just the right thing to do?

Listen to this one. I knew a girl whose last name was Simon, but her parents chose to pronounce it "Seaman."

What??? Now that's just child abuse. If your name is spelled Simon and you have a daughter, pronounce it the common way, let some junior high student make up a limerick rhyming it with the body part associated with virginity (I'm trying to be classy in my posts), and let her move on with her life.

Jeez, I don't know what ever happened to the Simon/Seaman girl, but it wouldn't surprise me if she married the first man she ever dated, even someone named Cox or Ball, just to get rid of that name.

And I won't even get started on people who name their sons Dick.

Now before you go off thinking that it's terrible of me to be so cruel and immature about someone's name, just know that I have EARNED the right to make fun of someone's name.

My mother always said that before she named me Melissa, she made sure it was a name from which no nasty nickname could be derived. That was very important to her.

Oh, really, Mom?

Nice job.

Did it never cross your mind, Mom, that "Melissa" might become "Missy"...

and that "Missy" might become "MISSY PISSY" for at least forty consecutive years????


  1. Shame on you! JK - I think that is too funny! I went to high school with a girl named Alicia Finger and I always felt so bad for her and her unfortunate name.

    Of course, as soon as I got out of college I made everybody call me Candice because I thought Candi sounded too much like a stripper's name! But now with my advancing age, I have gone back to Candi, because I think it makes me sound youthful. Is it working?

  2. HAHAHAHA! Hilarious! I knew a guy ... his name was "Richard Head" or Dick Head if he show to use the Richard Nickname ... I mean come on!! They didn't figure that out?

    There is also a boy in my brother's grade that is named "Jack Goff" ... say it allowed.

    I just want to find those parents and smack them!!!

    RYC: Yes, I can tell your a lawyer. But she was removed (hopefully with no more fuss) in the NHS by laws it clearly states that she is not able to be re-admitted after being kicked out ... so oh well! Shouldn't have cheated!

  3. I hear you! I can't figure out why parents do this to their children. I suppose pretty much any name could be made fun of by mean kids, but WHY give the ammo?

    And then there are names that are funny to everyone, like the ones you've mentioned. WHY, parents, WHY? :)

  4. May I add one more? Though not really any sexual connotations, a woman, who was known as "The First Lady of Texas" was named Ima Hogg. For real- look it up in Wiki. What were their parents thinking???She never married and was Ima Hog her entire life.

  5. Melissa,

    Thanks for the visit and your comments. I think bad naming is a form of passive agressive parenting. We have a kid in my class with the last name of Weiner. I still can't keep a straight face when I call on him.

  6. I'm with you. I can't keep a straight face when I have to say those names. Even if I'm not saying them, when I see them in print, I laught out loud and then SAY them out loud so others can laugh with me. I know . . .

    So my kids went to school with a sweet girl named Dusty Broom. And I know a real estate agent who is named Silver Cocke. There are just too many sadistic parents out there.

  7. Clearly we share a sense of humour because I chuckled all the way through.

    I just couldn't help myself.

  8. I have a friend who named her daughter Amber, thinking that no one would be able to make a nickname from it.

    By the end of the first day home, Amber's big brother was calling her 'Amberger'

    And I have to share this.
    We used to live in Temecula, California. There was a local gynecologist by the name of W.D. Kuntz.

    My hubby said that the WD must stand for 'we do'.

  9. I've just got my class lists for this year. On one of them is a 'Benjamin Ding'.
    Ben Ding....

  10. Not sexually explicit or anything, but I swear that the next person who asks me, "Where's Boris?" is going to win a prize.

    And they won't like it.

  11. I just watched a hilarious film -Hot Fuzz- this weekend in it the main character receives a call from

    Mr. P.I.Staker


  12. W

    You must be kidding me...what is this bullsh*t?

    And why am I just finding out about all of this?


  13. Yeah having grown up as Melissa Bacon I got it on all sides. My DH even came up with Medusa and Mollestya before we were dating.

    My favorite is a friend of my dad's whose name is Richard Longwell but who goes by Dick. Yeah.... Dick Longwell.....