Monday, January 12, 2009

No Pee-Pees Here

We were filling out our 4 year-old's pre-school entrance forms and we got to the question, "Does your child have any behaviors that we should know about?" Our eyes met and the heaviness of the air was palpable as we contemplated our response.

Finally, I said it: "Should we tell them that she likes to say 'v*gina'--a lot, and really loud?"

My husband made the decision for us: "No, let them find out on their own."

And find out on their own, they most definitely will. No doubt about that.

'V*gina' has become her favorite word and she uses it indiscriminately, to the sheer mortification of her parents.

Consider what happened on observation day at gymnastics class. Forty or so nice, respectable parents were lined up against the walls gleefully watching their precious angels perform, when all of the sudden, my little darling shouted at the top of her lungs to me from the exact opposite corner of the room, "ALL OF THESE EXERCISES ARE REALLY MAKING MY V*GINA HURT!!!"

For a few seconds I tried to pretend she wasn't my child, but then I remembered that most of those people saw me walk in with her (because we were late--my husband always makes us late--darn him for making us late--I maybe could've salvaged some dignity if he hadn't made us late).

Doesn't she just look like she's in pain?

Then there was the time at softball practice when she was standing next to my husband as he was talking to the other coaches. One of them unwittingly asked her, "And how are you today?" She proudly explained, "I know the rules for touching v*ginas. No one should ever, ever touch your v*gina, but you can touch your own v*gina, but only in private."

But my absolute favorite was when we were in Sacrament meeting (for the non-Mormons, that's the regular church service) and she literally yelled, "I NEED A DRINK OF WATER BECAUSE MY V*GINA HURTS!" Oh! My! Gosh! All those kids who scream and run around and throw Cheerios during church are nothing compared to my kid! You really can't imagine the courage that it takes for us to show up there every Sunday after that!

And, of course, all of it is MY fault because I "taught her that word in the first place!"

Should I just have taught her "pee-pee" instead?


  1. Maybe, yes...

    And the 15-year-old who doesn't want your crappy car? Fine. Sell it and do not, under any circumstances, give her the money.

  2. I'm a Catholic, myself, but this ...

    But my absolute favorite was when we were in Sacrament meeting (for the non-Mormons, that's the regular church service) and she literally yelled, "I NEED A DRINK OF WATER BECAUSE MY V*GINA HURTS!"

    makes me wonder just how, exactly, Mormon women drink water. Because when Catholic women drink water, it does zero for any v*gina pain. (I know because I've asked and I have the handprints on my face from being smacked to prove it.)

    Between you and Amy, I'm starting to learn about Mormons, but I still have so much to learn!

  3. this is hilarious! My vagina hurts from reading this. kidding of course. I'm all for teaching the kiddos the actual word for their body parts. Now I'm second-guessing that decision...

    That last comment was hilarious too.

  4. Yep, probably. That was my reasoning, anyway. Round here we just use a generic "crotch". Short, sweet and ambiguous does it for me :)

    Thanks for you comment :) Enjoying your blog!

  5. That has to be the funniest thing I have read all day! Thanks for a much needed laugh!!

  6. Wow, that I feel for you. I've heard horror stories of toddlers screaming in stores "I HAVE A PEN!S. DO YOU HAVE A PEN!S TOO, UNCLE BOB?" (Your censoring method has stumped me so I hope I'm close.) I wasn't sure how to deal with something like that, but so far I've lucked out with PW not mentioning her or others' genitals in public.

  7. LOL...that is too funny! My daughter says Vagina all the time also...must be a fun word to say or something?

    My daughter had a similar experience in Walmart when she ran down the aisle saying, "I'm holding my Vagina!!!"

    I'm actually writing about something she said to me just today for tomorrow's post...way funny!

  8. This is HILARIOUS. I just shared it with my husband and now we've been going around screaming at the top of our lungs (with the windows up in the house) "I can't cook dinner ... my v*gina hurts!"

    *I* was always told that the word for that area of your body was "PoPo" ... so imagine my surprise when I get into high school and kids in the school referred to the police as "the PoPo."

    I was in the restroom once and a little boy was supposed to be washing his hands with his mom and he was having some trouble. He didn't want to wash... didn't want to wash ... finally he yelled "But I didn't even TOUCH my penis!"

  9. The worst thing my kids ever yelled in Sacrament meeting is "Coke"....when the sacrament water is being passed.

  10. Oh, man. I'm so glad to know there's another v*gina user out there. I thought our five-year old was the only one. Whenever I complain to other parents, they always say, "Well, that's what experts say to call it . . ." but then I notice they use "pee-pee". If it makes you feel better, at least she doesn't know about p*nises. We yell both terms out on a regular basis.

  11. This is the finniest thing I've read in AGES!
    My huband and I were crying with laughter last night. Brilliant story. In fact it puts me in mind of the time one of my mum's friends got muddled up on the pronounciation of a Welsh name with near catastrophic results. I may have to blog about that too.
    Incidentally, I love your blog. Keep up the good work!

  12. I meant "funniest". And "husband".
    Of course I did. You knew that.
    I am just tired.

  13. Oh my gosh. That's hilarious! I can't wait til my granddaughter gets a little older. I wonder what she'll be shouting out in church.

  14. This is the funniest story!! Don't kids just say the funniest things at the absolute WORST moments. Gotta love them.

  15. Too funny!! I'm just waiting for the things my two year old will spout off soon - well, as soon as anyone besides us can understand her.

    By the way, as I work with preschoolers, the PC term we're supposed to use is "crosslegged" or, as the kids like to say, "criss cross applesauce." To which I say WHAT.EVER.