Sunday, January 18, 2009

Of Transvestites And Equal Time

Drama. That's what it's all about with teenage girls.

Everything is a HUGE deal to them, and my daughter is no exception.

"You went to the mall and you bought the baby way more clothes than you bought me!"

"You told the baby four times today that you love her, but you only said it to me three times!"

"You blogged about the baby embarrassing you by saying v*gina, but I've said lots of embarrassing stuff and you didn't blog about that!"

Now, I really try to be a good mother. I try not to show one of my daughters partiality over the other, but apparently I have failed (once again) in this regard. My daughter was absolutely correct; she has embarrassed me beyond measure with talk in public about genitals, and I was remiss in not sharing them with the world (a.k.a. the twenty of you that read this blog).

So, in an effort to diminish that special brand of household tension that is caused only by a teenage girl who feels slighted, I will attempt to rectify my mistake.

Picture it. May 2003, the elementary school auditorium. The room was filled with fourth grade girls and their mothers gathered together for "the talk" given by the school nurse. My daughter was so excited at the thought of finally becoming a "woman" as the school nurse discussed the various physical changes that would accompany her impending puberty.

I, on the other hand, was so uncomfortable I wanted to puke. I'm quite immature that way. I do not want to think about my daughters having breasts and menstrual flows and pubic hair. I know it's all natural, and I'm supposed to create bonding moments with my daughters during discussions of tampons and douches, but that's not the way I roll. The whole thing is gross when it comes to my daughters, and I don't want to know nuthin' about nuthin'.

Anyway, the school nurse passed out slips of paper and told the girls to anonymously write down any questions that they had and she would answer them. The girls took a few minutes to write their questions and the nurse collected the papers.

The VERY FIRST question the nurse read was, "Why do girls grow hair on their uterus?"

There was dead silence in the room and the "What the...huh?" feeling was still hanging in the air when my daughter raised her hand and proudly exclaimed, "THAT'S MY QUESTION!"

Instinctively, I grabbed her arm, pulled it down, and said, "Shut up! Don't EVER tell ANYONE that's YOUR question!"

I know what you're thinking: bad parenting. I should have supported her and told her there are no stupid questions. And I definitely never should have told her to shut up.

But don't you DARE judge me until YOUR kid asks in front of 100 people why girls GROW HAIR on their UTERUS! HAIR ON THEIR UTERUS! If you somehow manage to live through the embarrassment, then you can talk to me about my parenting skills!

But that is nothing compared to what she did a few years earlier in the fitting room of Macy's. It was Christmastime and the place was packed--packed, I tell you. It was one of those days where there are so many people that you have to stand in line for 15 minutes just to get into a fitting room to try on clothes that you don't really want to try on anyway because of your horrible body image.

But I digress.

My daughter and I waited patiently and finally got into a fitting room. I took off my clothes and stood there in only my bra and pantyhose. Now, I don't wear underwear with pantyhose because it's uncomfortable, and it's just redundant. I mean, they have panties sewn into them, hence the name pantyhose. Unfortunately, the panties in the pantyhose are sheer. Apparently, the sight of my naked lower half horrified my daughter because she yelled, in a fitting room crammed with people, "MOM, I CAN SEE YOUR P*NIS!"

Holy crap! I didn't know what to do! My first instinct was to cover up my p*nis and run out of there. Instead, I waited in that little, tiny room until I thought most of the people in there had gone.

Despite my efforts to get out of Macy's with some dignity intact, I'm certain that word of the woman with the p*nis circulated throughout the store. When I walked out of that fitting room, I swear to you, dozens of people were gathered and I watched their eyes shift downward and try to check out my "package."

So, my dear teenage daughter, I love you just as much as I love your little sister, and I consider you equally embarrassing.


  1. That is priceless. I certainly hope that your daughter appreciates your effort to even things out between her and her baby sister. I would consider that situation rectified. And hilarious.

  2. haha, I think I should have put more effort into embarrassing my mother... it was usually the other way round!

    Thanks for cheering up my Monday morning,
    Saskia x

  3. Hmmmm.... 20 or so readers of your blog?.... So are you the one who is putting all of the red dots on the Map Loco?

    You sure seem to use the V word a lot in your household! :)

  4. Oh my. And my Mom thought that I was bad.

    She didn't know how good she had it!

  5. Only because I can tell that you would find it hysterical--and it sounds like something that might also happen at your house!

  6. Kinda testy there today, Melissa. Sounds like someone's possibly having a Bad Uterus Hair Day.

    Look, here's how you handle that: Just do a p*nis comb-over! No one will even NOTICE the Bad Uterus Hair. They'll be all, "What a horrible p*nis comb-over!" and they won't even notice your Yute-hair. Then, tomorrow, you put Uterus Mousse on your Yute-hair first thing.

    How did you live to be 41 and not know this?

    Funny stories you told there, sister!

  7. Wow, the comment above me had me cracking up the entire time that I was blow-drying my hair!

    You must REALLY love your teenage daughter because those embarrassing stories take the cake!!! They are HILARIOUS!

    I was wondering where you could possible go with transvestites in this piece ... and you brought it there ... and it was fabulous :)

  8. I take back my previous comment - this is the funniest story EVER! But...they were both pretty good.

  9. Those stories are classics! Thanks for stopping by my blog, and thanks for the laughs.

  10. I'm growing ever more worried as I read and see around me the tales of teenage daughters. I am growing ever more grateful to only have one potential. Maybe my wild and crazy boys aren't so bad....

  11. I just wandered over here from Dana's blog and you are hilarious! Thats a great story and I have to say I feel for you. I don't have kids, but my 3 y/o nephew with a bit of a baby speech impediment talks about his titties(kitties) all the time in public at top volume. LOL!

  12. I think this takes care of any accusations that your blog might be boring! That was hilarious.

  13. Hahaha! Oh thank you for that! I loved your blog and so glad I passed by. I look forward to visiting again! Thanks for passing by me too!
    Enjoy your girlies - they sound like a lot of fun!

  14. LOL...I love that story!!! But I thought you were going to say your vibrator (whateverthoseare) fell out of your pocketbook. It never happened to me, I don't even own 3-4 of those. I'm just sayin'.....

  15. See, I don't think I was an embarrassing kid, I think it was my mom that was embarrassing! The lady that did our maturation program asked us to come up with alternate names for the male part and my mom stands up and says 'tallywacker'. What is that about!?!?!?

  16. WOW! I had no idea that this could be where I am heading with my own girls. Thanks.