I know you're all thinking,"Okay, she's going to write about me now, because (insert terrible thing I did to you) has to be the meanest thing she's ever done." Wrong. Not even close. And besides, I never did anything to you. And if I did, you deserved it.
It was May, 1983. In Seminary (for my non-Mormon public, that's basically Sunday School that high school students go to every morning before regular school. Yes, you read that right--every morning before school) that year we were reading the Book of Mormon, and every night our assignment was to read 1-2 chapters. You're going to be shocked, but I never did my assignments. In May, I still hadn't progressed past September's assignments.
But neither had anyone else. Except for one girl. This girl always had her reading done, and she was one of those suck-ups that even read ahead. She was plain and mousy and had nothing in her life except church --and the French Club -- I almost forgot the French Club --so of course she could keep up on her reading. You get the picture.
Anyway, May rolled around and The Girl only had a few chapters left to read. Our teacher, Brother Mircer, would joke every morning in a sing-songy voice, "Gee, I just don't know who's going to finish the Book of Mormon first. I just don't know who it will be!" Every time he said it, we all looked at her and she giggled and blushed, because she was just that kind of girl.
I don't know what came over me. I really don't. But one day when I got home from school, I started reading. I read and I read and I read all night long. I read 300 pages in one night and I didn't understand a word of it, and I didn't care. I finished the Book of Mormon!
I kept my achievement to myself until the perfect moment. The next morning, when Brother Mircer said his, "Gee, I just don't know..." thing, I let it loose.
"Well, quit wondering," I announced. "It's me! The contest is over! I finished the Book of Mormon last night!"
Everyone in the class started laughing at The Girl because I stole the victory right out from under her.
The Girl promptly began bawling, causing Brother Mircer to roll his eyes at me and say, "Now why would you do that?" And his eyes finished the thought: "You know she has nothing in her pathetic life but this lame contest!"
So there you have it, the meanest thing I've ever done. And the thing is, I did it just to be mean. It's not like I won a Wii, or a gift card, or even a ribbon. I did it just to SCREW her!! And I screwed her just because I could. It doesn't get any meaner than that, folks.
So, The Girl from Seminary, if you're reading this, I'm sorry about the whole Book of Mormon thing. (And don't be offended by my description of you as a plain, mousy, suck-up with no life. I mean it in the best possible sense.)
By the way, my husband and 15 year-old daughter read this, and they agree that there's no way this is the meanest thing I've ever done. They each rattled off about ten things I've done to them that are, they say, much meaner. They said I should put up a poll on my blog about what my public thinks, but I'm not sure I want the answer!